I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
