Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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