every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Drake has all the answers
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
