what if every blade of grass was a penis?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize