he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I think people are normalizing furries
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
