I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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