you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
