I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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