Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Boobs speak an international language.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
