are you so shy because you have an std?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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