The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
