I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Randomize