So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Randomize
