the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
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