While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize