I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
