The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
