she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
