she takes plan B like it's going out of style
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
