he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
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