Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize