Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize