Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
