I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
