Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
