Your face is a jimmy john
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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