i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
