Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Randomize
