i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I love you. Go after that dick
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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