He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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