he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
she told me i tasted like america
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
