she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
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