spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
