dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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