i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
