Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
