I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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