I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
