i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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