we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
