I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
