I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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