Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
