You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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