girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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