the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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