She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
