Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
