Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
