Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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