HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
