I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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