I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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