i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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