I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
