I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
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