you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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